ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
