Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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