Where is the hickey?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
