So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
