I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize