enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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