i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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