as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
