what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
