this just has baby written all over it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
