Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize