Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
