Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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