That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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