Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
