u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
