Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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