People in love make me want to vomit
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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