Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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