we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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