I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
