Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
