The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
