Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
