WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
