I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
