I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
