So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
