We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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