Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
