Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
