Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
