i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
