Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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