i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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