How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
