I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
