I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
