paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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