My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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