and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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