Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
