I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
