I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
