somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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