you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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