we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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