going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
