Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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