you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
