he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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