I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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