I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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