When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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