Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
