Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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