KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
