I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
