if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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