Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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